Note to Self

I used to define myself with the relationships I am in--whether it may be a relationship with my family, my boyfriend, or my friends. I used to love doing things so my parents will approve of me, or so my special someone will still continue to love me, or so that my friends would admire me. My worth was measured on how I measure up to other people's expectations. I used to wake up everyday not knowing what my standards are. I had never really grasped the meaning of enough, for I keep on persisting on what other people want from me. I can only stop only when my limits crash, for there is nothing anymore to hold and protect me.

I have lost love, for myself, to the child lingering within, and to the woman I have become. I have lost love to the fact that I love the day sky than the night, that I love my rice fried, that I never really love fish but vegetables are never a problem, that I love having profound conversations, but I also love to laugh over the most mundane, that I love to read and I love to write, whether my punctuations and grammar are in place or not, that I love dancing alone in my room, that I love exploring new places, that I love my man to be prudent and smart, and that I love dreaming big.

I posted this in a future date with the hopes that I reach this day with a regained love of self, that even if other people's opinions are important, what I would really deem important are the values which my heart clings to. I would live to remind myself that to efficiently deal with others, I have to master dealing with myself first.

Tin Was 21 and a Week Old

She blessed us with the F word:

Avoiding the Quadrillion Probabilities of Our Non-existence by Joe Pintauro

i am not who i was
i am not going to be who i was going to be
you changed all that

you are not who you were
you are not going to be who you were going to be
i changed all that

what is, is. and cannot not be.
what was, was. and cannot not have been.
so you see
my love

we are us.
we are us now and we shall never have been
not us.

who are we going to be?
we are going to be who we never would have been
without each other.

My Bucket List

(not in particular order)

1. Stay in a job I love
2. Trek around Europe
3. Get married to the most amazing man
4. Be the best mom (and wife)
5. Perform on stage
6. Live in a foreign country and explore its different culture
7. Take at least 5 kids to college (maybe by contributing to a scholarship program)
8. Visit the most picturesque place in the world
9. Do something scary and wild (sky diving perhaps?)
10. Do something remarkable which could improve the lives of the marginalized in the country (I know it's seems impossible, but I'm sure there will always be ways to do so) :)

For the Love of Food

I can barely notice where I am in the crowd of pictures taken from my Freshman year. I have almost forgotten that my shirt tags were used to be labelled with "S" (for small) and not "L" (for large). I suddenly miss the light feeling of wearing my colorful sleeveless tops and mini skirts, since these have been hanging for awhile now in a neglected part of my cabinet.

During the past 4 (school)years, I can estimate that I have gained around 10 to 15 pounds of mass in my body. It crossed from my cheeks, rested in my tummy, and raced up to my legs. But didn't Grade School Science say that "the more mass an object has, the more it attracts other objects towards it?" So thanks to Chicken Strips, I was able to suck in all those Freshman Math. Thank You, Asian Salpicao, for giving me the will and the patience to sit in Diyco's class. I owe Seattle's Best and Figaro coffee for warming me up during all my Philo and Theo Orals. Maybe without caffeine, I couldn't have aced those. Thanks also Cerealicious for adding sugar to our Thesis.

What a nice way to rationalize overeating one's overdependence on food, huh? XD

But don't worry, I'm not binging and waiting 'til I can pull on the Earth. I've already been eating fish and vegetables for a week now, and I started jogging/walking this morning. Sometimes, I invite in a piece of choco chip cookie as my reward.

I haven't lost a pound yet, but somehow, I feel lighter. Maybe because I'm now attracting some "healthy vibes", and it's doing good to my soul, don't you think?

Nevermind if I still don't recognize myself 4 years from now. I'll be better by then, just as I know better now. :)